Dear Bea: advice from Forsilvra's favourite grandmother

[Beatrice Sanseverino]

Have a question? Need advice?

Ask Her Serene Highness, Beatrice Sterlyn Sanseverino!

Her years of experience in the courts of Forsilvra, and her years as princess and as a Sanseverino make her especially experienced in giving advice.

So, write to her, and see what she can offer you!

[Ippolito Sanseverino]

Dear Bea,

I love my sister more than anything in the world... I love my sister more than sibling love... I want to have sex with my sister and take her away from her husband. I think my brother loves my sister in that way too.

What can I do?

The Knight of the Forever Alones

[Beatrice Sanseverino]

Dear Bea,

I love my sister more than anything in the world... I love my sister more than sibling love... I want to have sex with my sister and take her away from her husband. I think my brother loves my sister in that way too.

What can I do?

The Knight of the Forever Alones

Dear Knight Forever Alone,

. . . you aren't related to Dead Prince Dumbas . . . I mean Auron, are you? Wait. IPPOLITO ALFONSO NICOLO LUCA COSMO DI SANSEVERINO.

Move to Strom. They like that sort of thing there. Better yet, move out of your province, find a nice, dumb girl, and stick a portrait of your sister to her face.

On second thought, I am personally shipping you to the Uncharted Lands. Or frozen Tocken, where their queen might actually use you as a pell. It might knock some sense into you.

Yours,

HSH Beatrice

[Lynesse Velaryon]

Dear Ma'am,

I seem to be stuck in a quandary. I think I have a crush on someone close to me, but it seems like I will only catch fresh hell for it.

My mutual crush is on my cousin. His sister is my nemesis. What do I do?

Thank you for your help, your Highness.

Sincerely,

Sweet and Innocent (?)

[Beatrice Sanseverino]

Dear Ma'am,

I seem to be stuck in a quandary. I think I have a crush on someone close to me, but it seems like I will only catch fresh hell for it.

My mutual crush is on my cousin. His sister is my nemesis. What do I do?

Thank you for your help, your Highness.

Sincerely,

Sweet and Innocent (?)

Dear Innocently Sweet,

You could always tell your nemesis to shove off. Kindly. What you do with your cousin is none of her business. (and besides, there are enough cousin marriages that it's not like anything bad could happen to their children.)

Of course, to ensure this, you could always stab her in her sleep. Poison her just enough that she's stuck in the privy for a couple of days. Even better, you could always hide her clothes, or see to it that the servants don't clean them correctly.

Grow a backbone, Innocent. It might help you.

HSH Beatrice

[Cesare Sanseverino]

Dear Serene Highness,

I have recently suffered a fall from a horse while on a ride through the woods with my cousins, and unfortunately I shattered some bones in my leg. The maester says that I will require a cane, for life most like, because the bones will not heal. I used to be tall and nimble, and I loved to dance. I used to be the queen on the dancefloor and many a handsome and strong knight has held me in his arms during balls. But now with my leg so broken I have to stoop and I can't dance anymore. I am so upset! Will this ruin my marriage prospects? I so wanted to marry Ser Tristifer Blane, but I fear he won't ever look on me again! Can you help, please?

Also can you advise me on the sort of wood I should use for the cane? I shall hate that thing forever, but if I have to bear it, I'd like it at least elegant and strong.

Yours distraught

Lady Weeping Beauty

[Beatrice Sanseverino]

Dear Serene Highness,

I have recently suffered a fall from a horse while on a ride through the woods with my cousins, and unfortunately I shattered some bones in my leg. The maester says that I will require a cane, for life most like, because the bones will not heal. I used to be tall and nimble, and I loved to dance. I used to be the queen on the dancefloor and many a handsome and strong knight has held me in his arms during balls. But now with my leg so broken I have to stoop and I can't dance anymore. I am so upset! Will this ruin my marriage prospects? I so wanted to marry Ser Tristifer Blane, but I fear he won't ever look on me again! Can you help, please?

Also can you advise me on the sort of wood I should use for the cane? I shall hate that thing forever, but if I have to bear it, I'd like it at least elegant and strong.

Yours distraught

Lady Weeping Beauty

Dear Weeping Lady,

ARE YOU TRYING TO INSINUATE SOMETHING?

Ahem.

And what sort of gods-forsaken name is Tristifer? It sounds like some pompous dandy with an interest more in his squire's assets than a delicate lady as yourself.

Still, if it is a good cane you want, why not go with ebony? It is strong, takes a beating, and yet is easily carved. If you have money, as it seems you do, exotic ivory from the tusks of those dead cyclopean beasts in Tocken is also an option.

That being said, if your precious knight does love you (or your money), chances are, you shall be wed. You might, however, want to forgo too much dancing at your wedding feast. Or, you could create a new trend and be carried to your consummation.

HSH Beatrice

[Roswyn Althalos Lorterra]

Dear Miss Bea,

I have many dresses. I love clothes. I am also beautiful but sometimes when I try to help others to be just as pretty as I am they are mean to me. Why is this? I am only trying to help them, I mean it isn't like I have to help them. I only do this so that they do not look totally unfortunate and yet they either treat me like I am silly or very poorly. I mean, it is not my fault that I was born pretty and can afford many beautiful clothes. What can I do to make people appreciate the help I give them?

Fondly,
Pretty in Pink

[Cesare Sanseverino]

Mother,

Where did I go wrong in your eyes?

Cesare

[Beatrice Sanseverino]

Dear Miss Bea,

I have many dresses. I love clothes. I am also beautiful but sometimes when I try to help others to be just as pretty as I am they are mean to me. Why is this? I am only trying to help them, I mean it isn't like I have to help them. I only do this so that they do not look totally unfortunate and yet they either treat me like I am silly or very poorly. I mean, it is not my fault that I was born pretty and can afford many beautiful clothes. What can I do to make people appreciate the help I give them?

Fondly,
Pretty in Pink

Dear Pinkie Pie,

First off, you will refer to me as Your Highness.

Secondly, you are a silly girl. A very silly girl. Get thee into a library. I swear, does Alathia not hand out brains when she feels the need for a child to be born?

Furthermore, Pinkie Pie, you may not be as pretty as you think. You see, I was once told that my beauty was like that of a thousand stars. Unfortunately, while the stars never set, my beauty did take an unfortunate end, and yours will too.

Brains are emphatically much better than beauty. Learn to read. Maybe to write. You're not one of those Ashpool girls, are you? I swear, for all that Jacques gets around, he doesn't give them much to work with, intelligence-wise.

HSH Beatrice

[Beatrice Sanseverino]

Mother,

Where did I go wrong in your eyes?

Cesare

Son,

Are you sure you want me to drag this out where everyone on the continent can see it? You never were Alfonso's best choice, but ah, oh well.

Son, you were born. That's where you went wrong.

With love, your mother,

HSH Beatrice

[Cesare Sanseverino]

Mother,

An answer I wholly anticipated.