Introspection (Victor/Celeste) 5/14 Evening

[Celeste Castell]

Celeste stood in the bow of the ship, her hands grasping tightly to the rails. It was evening and the star studded sky reflected beautifully in the waters below. However, her mind really wasn’t on the scene before her or even in the present.

She was currently thinking back to the conversation she had had with Victor so many days ago. Celeste had meant everything she had said. She really was tired of fighting and she had every intention of being the adoring wife both in private and public from now on. She was trying to ignore every little thing that Victor did that annoyed her and so far she had been successful.

The real question was, would she be able to keep it up. She wanted to, but it really wasn’t just Victor that bothered her. His entire family, she just didn’t feel very welcome. They were all so very different then her and she knew very well that they didn’t like her any better then she liked them. It wasn’t going to matter much if Victor attempted to be pleasant and yet she still had to deal with his family, in addition to all the little things that she knew Victor was never going to change.

Celeste sighed softly to herself, leaning further on the rail and looking over the edge into the water. This was going to be harder then she thought and yet she really wanted it to work ...

[Victor Castell]

Victor stepped onto the decks of the The Lady Bella, his boots clomping against the hard wooden planks. The sun had already bled his way into the waters of the west and the stars above had come out to dance and sing their way across the night's sky. A soft wind blew across the decks, filling the large white sails that bore the ship North toward Alska. When the wind was weak, three score of oarsmen would row the longship instead.

Victor's eyes shifted above him. A sailor in the crow's nest was peering through a looking glass far to the North, watching the waters for hidden dangers although Victor was not worried. Along with his own ships, the King's great fleet sailed with them, and House Ashpool's boats and House Letalis and House Lennox all had boats upon the water. The half the might of Forsilvra was making way for Nystra it seemed.

A glance at the bow captured the sight of his lovely wife in his eyes. She was staring out at the ocean, a melancholy look upon her face. Victor bristled, his first instinct to assume that she was still dreaming of Malic and his home in Alska their destination. He had half a mind to belittle her for looking so unhappy, and he approached her from behind. But he decided to hold his tongue, and instead of a snide remark, he wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed the back of her head.

"My lovely wife should not look so unhappy," Victor stated, as he bit back any hint of jealousy from his voice. "What's wrong?"

[Celeste Castell]

Celeste stiffened in surprise when Victor wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed the back of her head. She hadn’t expected to be interrupted out of her thoughts in such a way. However, she relaxed almost immediately and turned in his arms to face him.

She wasn’t really certain she wanted to tell him exactly what she had been thinking about. Celeste didn’t really know how Victor would react to being told it was his family that she was mostly upset over. After a moment though she shrugged a little deciding to be honest, it would probably work out a whole lot better then for him to try and guess what was on her mind.

“I’m not unhappy really. It’s just that ...”

Celeste hesitated momentarily before saying, “Your family doesn’t like me very much ...”

[Victor Castell]

He was taken offguard at her words. Of course he knew his family did not regard Celeste all that well, but he'd thought she'd be dreaming of home, her family.... of Malic. He regarded her for a moment, wondering if she was lying to him, but she'd never admitted such before and he detected no dishonesty in her eyes when she looked at him.

He reached up and brushed a stray strand of hair behind one of her ears. Standing on the deck of the ship in such a obvious position of affection was unnerving. He and Celeste had always maintained proper decorum, affording each other the right amount of touch, soft kisses upon cheeks, tender hugs; but each gesture was a practiced motion meant only for the eyes of those watching them interact. This was, perhaps, the first time he'd held her when no one of importance was watching for no reason other than because he'd felt some strange need to.

He brushed it off. This was all part of his plans. He needed Celeste and he needed her to need him for that very reason. Even this affection was a means to an end - so he told himself.

"I don't suppose they do," he mused as he gazed down at her troubled features. "Truth be told, they don't believe you are the right woman for me, nor do they feel you deserve the name Castell, no matter how noble your birth house is."

[Celeste Castell]

Celeste shifted a little uncomfortably as Victor regarded her silently for a moment. She wondered what he was thinking. This whole circumstance was so unlike either of them. She had never cared to stand in the circle of his arms for no other reason then that she just wanted to. There wasn’t anyone around to witness them and therefore there need be no show of affection. She would technically still be fulfilling her promise of being the adoring wife even if she were to move away and so there was not even that reason that caused her to stay where she was. There was only the fact that she really didn’t want to move away.

Celeste lay her head momentarily on Victor’s chest as she took in the words that her husband finally spoke. They troubled her a lot more then she had counted on. She had known that his family didn’t like her, but she had only dimly grasped the concept that they didn’t even deem her worthy of her husband, of their very name.

What had she done that had made her unworthy of the name? She had given Victor two fine sons to carry on the Castell name, exactly as a wife should. She had always done her best to act the perfect wife while in the public eye, never to bring dishonor upon the family.

Sure she had never fit in with them very well. Their personalities were all so very different from her own. Everything she had been taught as a child was very different from the fundamental lessons that the Castell family seemed to live and breath, but did that really make her unworthy of them?

For a moment she didn’t care what they thought. It didn’t matter that they didn’t like her, nor did it matter if they thought she didn’t deserve the name. She was here and there wasn’t a whole lot they could do about it provided she continued doing her best to be the perfect wife. It wasn’t Victor’s family that she was married to, it was Victor. As long as she pleased him it was fine, but ... did he feel the same way?

Celeste glanced back up at Victor questioningly. “Do you feel this way? I’ve done nothing but try to be the best wife I could be, at least in the public eye. I haven’t ever brought shame to this family, not intentionally anyway."

She sighed softly before asking, "What have I ever done to make me not deserve being a Castell?”

[Victor Castell]

Turmoil spilled over her face like the hair tumbling down her back. Victor's first inclination was to enjoy her pain the way he always had; further retribution for the ills she'd committed at the front of their marriage. But the way she laid her head on his chest was almost endearing; certainly, the action was one she'd never have done if they hadn't conversed that night in Castle Argent. And his tongue was held in check as easily now as when he was spinning his web of lies during council meeting and court affairs.

Victor reached up and brushed a strand of her hair from her face. "Yes and No," he answered, his tone open and honest. "By your very birth you're worthy enough to be my wife." Victor had no qualms about his wife's status, especially after watching her brother wed the banner lord's daughter. "You are beautiful and proper, and no, you don't bring shame to the family. When my sister and cousins provoke you, it is not because your manner is lacking, Celeste. They expect a strength in a woman that you've never shown to possess, the ability to be a cunning and cutthroat as they are. Without that, they will never respect you and they will never see you as a true Castell." And neither will I..... But he did not voice that thought.

Victor reached up to cup her chin softly, "For a woman to truly be right for me, she must be my partner in all things. Not just the lady who lays in my bed and bears me children. I must trust her, not just with my household, but my very life. Evelyn believes that you are still a Sterlyn here," Victor pointed to her heart, "When you close your eyes at night and pray to the gods your loyalty lays with your brother. That is why you aren't the right woman for my house."

[Celeste Castell]

Celeste sighed softly as she listened to Victor. On the one hand she was glad that Victor and his family weren’t sitting there imagining that she had shamed them in any way, but they wanted her to be something she didn’t think she could be. She had seen the way each of the Castell women were of course, she had no choice in seeing that. They were very cunning and cutthroat people, but she had never been raised to be such. Celeste honestly didn’t see why it was so wrong to be caring and considerate to other people. That was how she had been all her life and she wasn’t certain she could change that, that she wanted to change that. Celeste looked away as she murmured, “You’re wanting me to change the very person I’ve been all my life. I just don’t know why it’s such a bad thing to be considerate of other’s feelings. I don’t know if I can change that ...”

She had no choice but to look up once more as Victor cupped her chin. They thought she was more loyal to her brother then she was to Victor? They didn’t trust her? Well ... she supposed she had never given them any cause to trust her. Celeste adored her brother and she had never tried to hide that fact. Of course she was loyal to him, not only was he her big brother but he was the king ... shouldn’t that mean that everyone was loyal to him? Still, she was married to Victor now and he deserved her loyalty as well.

Celeste pulled away and turned back to the bow of the ship, staring off in to the night again, trying to think this through. “I gave my loyalty to the Castell family when I married you Victor. I can not change the fact that Alrik and I had a good relationship growing up. We were close, you can’t take that away from me ... but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be trusted. My loyalty is to you ...” Wasn’t it? She couldn’t deny feeling closer to the Sterlyns then she felt toward any of the Castells other then her children, but that was because she felt like an outsider. That didn’t mean she was going to run off and inform Alrik of every little thing the Castells did. She rarely talked to him anymore ...

She glanced back at Victor questioningly as she added, “When Evelyn marries into the Ashpool family, won’t you expect her to retain some loyalties to the Castell family? I can’t imagine that you would want her to marry in to a new family and never once look back, nor do I believe that she wouldn’t always be loyal to you. Evelyn is very close to you ... why is it so wrong that I happen to have a good relationship with Alrik?”

[Victor Castell]

Once a Castell, always a Castell. By blood or union. Victor would never approve of Evelyn betraying House Castell for any reason. Or Loralynn or Tempest either. Victor did not try to explain the intricate nature of being born a Castell to Celeste. Betrayal meant death. There was no forgiveness in their House. He doubted the same applied to House Sterlyn.

Victor looked out over the water. The sea was dark in the night sky, but he could see the choppy waves in the glimmer of moonlight. Each pounded against the hull of the ship as the large vessel sailed over the water. Such turmoil excited him; Victor thrived on chaos no matter the reason. He set one hand upon the rail, the other still wrapped around Celeste's waist. "Evelyn and I will always be close," he finally replied, "And her loyalties will always lay with House Castell. For generations, the woman of our house have served our house as much as the men have, and for that they've more than earned the respect the Lords of Castell have always shown them. They are Castells, and they treat each other as such. You asked me why we don't consider you a Castell and I answered. Castells have undying loyalty to one house and one house only. You may keep your loyalties for the rest of your life, just as I expect my sister to, but understand they are what keep you from being accepted."

[Celeste Castell]

Celeste remained silent as she listened to Victor confirm her thoughts that Evelyn would be more loyal to House Castell then to her new house. This seemed like a double standard to her, expecting her to change her loyalties to House Castell instead of remaining loyal to her brother all the while expecting Evelyn to do just that. As Victor went on, Celeste changed her mind.

He wasn’t asking her to change her beliefs, he was only answering her question just as he had said. She had been the one to ask his opinion and he had given it to her. Celeste could keep her loyalties to Alrik, continue this new relationship with Victor, and all would be fine. She didn’t need to be a ‘real Castell’, she didn’t need to be one of them.

“I did ask and I thank you for your honesty ...”

Celeste sighed softly to herself as she continued staring out at the night, trying hard to convince herself that she didn’t need to be accepted. “Victor ... if I ever told you that I was loyal to you and no one else, would you believe me?”

[Victor Castell]

"If you told me right now in this moment that you would stand by my side no matter what happened, then no, Celeste, I wouldn't believe you. Your loyalties do still lay with the house of your birth. Perhaps," Victor paused thinking back to their conversation in Castle Argent. You could have made me forget all about him, it would have been easy. I was already beginning to be just as infatuated with your charm as all the other girls ... Could the same have applied to her birth loyalties?

He reached up to brush another strand of her hair, tucking it again behind her ear. The effort was futile; the wind grabbed it back and playfully tossed it around her head. He looked down at her face, knowing that she needed to hear words he'd never spoken before. Whether he believed them or not, she would not be who he needed unless he forced himself to find a middle ground. At least for now. "Perhaps the fault lies with me. I have done nothing to earn your trust."

[Celeste Castell]

Celeste flinched a little at Victor’s words, though she had expected nothing less. He was right, her loyalties did lay with the house of her birth. In all the years of their marriage, Celeste had always felt like an outsider but she had never really cared much. Why was it that it bothered her so much now? She was just about to respond when Victor responded with a perhaps before pausing.

She watched him curiously as he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear only to have it grabbed back by the wind. Celeste couldn’t begin to guess what Victor was thinking as he looked down at her. She had never been able to read his thoughts, he was too good at keeping his thoughts to himself. Therefore it surprised her when he finally spoke up again. He was taking the blame for their relationship? That she hadn’t expected, in fact a few days ago if anyone would have told her that she and Victor would be having this conversation tonight she would probably have laughed at them.

Celeste stayed silent for a few moments, trying to come to terms with everything that was being said. Her heart fluttered just a little as she smiled and automatically murmured, “I wouldn’t say it was only your fault Victor, after all I haven’t done much in the way of trying to make our relationship a good one either.”

[Victor Castell]

"So for once we agree on something?" Victor responded, a light-hearted smile breaking into the midst of their serious conversation. They'd already made their promises and Victor saw no need to rehash them, but deep down he was pleased that he could detect no hints of Malic in Celeste's eyes. The deeper question would be whether or not his wife could hold her vows whilst walking the halls of Malic's home.

"Come, let's retire below. The winds are fiercer as the night is chilly." He pulled Celeste close and led her toward the entrance to the lower decks.

[Celeste Castell]

Celeste nodded and murmured, “I guess we do.” Her smile brightened at his own light-hearted one. She knew that things were still going to be tough, after all it was hard to change habits and they had so many things to work through. Celeste knew that it was going to be even tougher to hold to her vows when they actually reached Malic’s home, but she was determined to do so.

She nodded in agreement when Victor spoke again. It was getting a little chilly and she was ready to retire. Celeste allowed herself to be pulled close and led toward the entrance to the lower decks.